According To Q

I am Siamese. Need I say more?

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I am Siamese. Need I say more?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The 7 Things Meme

Things I plan to do before I die:
1. catch and eat all the fairies in the world
2. figure out where the water in vortex goes
3. sleep the whole day away
4. eat without puking
5. kick Salem's ass
6. take a poop without having to clean my ass
7. kill those stupid birds that keep laughing at me

7 things I can do:
1. eat and puke
2. get to the top of the stairs before anybody else
3. use the cat door
4. climb to the top of the scratch post without stopping to rest
5. bite through the arms of Amy's glasses
6. piss the crap out of Widgy
7. swallow all the tiny scraps of paper on the floor

7 things I cannot do:
1. go a whole night without someone to sleep with
2. stand being locked out of a room
3. balance
4. resist bothering a sleeping animal
5. leave any food in any bowl
6. fit into certain boxes
7. get on top of the bathroom cabinet

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1. nice tail
2. fish breath
3. fluffy butt in the air
4. yowling
5. traces of catnip
6. letting me finish her dinner
7. letting me sit on her head while she sleeps

7 things that I say most often:
1. Yowwwwlll
2. what was that?
3. what's for dinner?
4. pick me up
5. merrrr
6. Dude, what the fuck?!
7. put me down

7 celebrity crushes:
1. There is only one - the Fancy Feast chic

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Entry #42 February 9, 2005

I apologize for my recent absence, but I have been out in the fields hunting the enemy and continuing my research. I have returned briefly so I can document my encounters, then I must head back out. Even though I must move through the shadows as to not blow my cover, it is dyer that I record my findings, as every entry is important to my research. Should something happen and I miss an entry, I can only imagine the toll it would take on my mission, and I'm not willing to except the consequences.

The Chroni-Q (previously referred to as the "Fairy Journal", but I feared the name itself may endanger it's very existence) is a very valuable and significant log of events that may one day aid in the victory over fairies, stink bugs, trolls, elder beetles, and other diabolical fiends. My research is for the good of the world - and if the world would like to one day thank me with say, the Noble Prize, I would not turn it down.

I will not blog every entry, as I do not want to risk "them" finding out what I know. The knowledge I have obtained is my greatest weapon. I fear the fairies and sprites the most, and although I have yet to realize how savvy they are with the Internet, they are very intelligent and are proficient in the art of thievery. But for blogging purposes, I will intrigue my readers with some of what I have learned.

In this business, I have discovered that a lot of what you know is because of who you know. Although I don't 'trust' many, I do have connections throughout the world, from the farthest reaches of the attic to the deepest darkest depths of the basement. And I can get the information I need in minutes. Today I set up a meeting with Kentaro. He told me to meet him in the back room behind the litter box. I found him there, in the shadows, hat low over his eyes. Kentaro is what you would call a Japanese Beetle. I'm not fond of his kind, but he seems to want to cooperate more than others. Besides, a few months ago I talked Widgeon out of eating him, convincing her Kentaro would stain her lips purple if she crunched on him - so he owes me.

Kentaro: "Ahh, Missa Q. Niss tu cee yu. I taut wee meet ness wek doh. Wai yu kum nao? Sum ting wong?"

Greetings Kentaro. No, nothings wrong, but I desperately need to know how to find the fairy liar. I had to push our meeting up to today.

Kentaro: "Ahhh, Ey cee. Ey waz lei ying lo. Yu noo, hai ding. Mi fam lee naut noo ov dis ting wee du."

Quiet you fool! I've never seen you before, remember?? I got right up to his face for a more intimidating factor. The lair, you Japanese defect. Spill it, or you'll be picking up beetle parts for days.

Kentaro: "Da boo stin ki won. Shee leed yu tu it. Shee naut tu bwite. Haha."

Of course! How could I be so stupid. Never trust the blue ones. Especially the blue, smelly ones. Don't go too far Kentaro, I'll need you again soon enough, so stay alert and wait for the sign.

Kentaro: "Suh pah."

He tipped his hat and slipped through a crack in the wall. Man, I wish I could do that. Before I start looking for the blue stinky fairy, I shall rest. I've been awake for nearly an hour, and that can't be healthy.

- End entry -

I stopped to use the facilities while I was near them, and then made my way downstairs to the couch. Drat. Widgeon and Salem were both hanging out in my spot.

Salem gave me the stare. "Ah. Look who it is. Litter butt. What were you doing up there so long?"

I ignored her and curled up in my football blanket with Sophie. At least Sophie never talks, and that's why I think I like her so much. She also doesn't care when I chew on her tail and drag her around the floor. I'm not sure I understand the Russ tag in the ear thing, but I didn't want to press the issue. Maybe it's a fashion statement.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

AHhh HEmm

I wasn't feeling well this morning. I puked up my breakfast three different places and couldn't even crack a smile watching mom clean it up. Guess I ate too fast or something.

I found an old nemesis in the sink today. Stink Bug. He was upside down, kicking into the wind. I found it funny to watch and I knew he was meeting his end. I don't know what it is exactly about cat urges, but I just had to touch him. As my hand glided across his armored body, he was able to flip back onto his feet. Doh! That's not what I was trying to do... but it made me giggle watching him attempt his escape - walking, walking, walking, sliding, sliding, sliding. He wasn't going anywhere.

Suddenly, something caught my eye. I turned to my right to see a member of the ear swab society lying on the floor, pretending he was dead. It was Q-Tip, a lesser being trying to steal my name. And I knew his lifeless body was a ploy.

Even though I could sense it was a trap, I decided to play along with Q-Tip’s game. I jumped down and sat at his side.

He starred at me. I starred back.

It was on.

I grabbed his pillowy soft head and tossed him threw the air, smashing him into the wall. He lay there, frozen. He knew he was no match for me. He knew I could snap his little stick body and rip his tender head off in an instant. But alas, I should have known better as this was all part of his diabolical scheme. As I grabbed on to his feet, or what I believed to be his feet, he released his cotton-like defense mechanism and stuck it to the roof of my mouth. I had no choice, I had to drop the dreaded Tip... only, he would not let go. I shook my head frantically, but he had a firm grasp. He was holding on to my pallet for dear life. All of a sudden, his fibers got to me and I let out a mighty sneeezzze. Q-Tip fell to the floor, frazzled cotton head and all, and I was able to escape. I ran and ran, straight down the stairs to where I could stop and catch my breath. I was safe at that point as one thing is certain, ear swabs may be dangerous adversaries, but they are not quick on their feet.

All I could think at this time was how tired I was from all this, and I dragged my fatigued body to the couch for a nap. After all, the first rule for great warriors to stay ahead of the game is ample rest, and who’s going to argue with that?

As for my Fairy Journals, their importance has drawn me to the need to baptize them with an official name. Upon watching The Chronicle's Of Riddick, I have taken notice to the powers Riddick and I have in common. Therefore, my first thought was to call my journals The Chronicles of Q… However, the more I contemplated that name, I feel Chroni-Q’s is more appropriate…

And so it is done - Chroni-Q’s it is and so it shall be called, upon which I shall indulge eager minds in blogs to come.

Stay tuned.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Testing Testing 1, 2, 3

Today Widgeon asked me if the Earth was flat. Honestly, I wonder about her sometimes.

I took her over to the window and said,

"Clearly, there are many hills to be seen. It's hardly flat."

Tabbies. They're simply not as advanced. I will do my best to be patient and share my wisdom with her.

I found this fun game on JenOrama's blog (I too have become quite the blogging fool).

Time.FQ1: What's something you often must do that's a complete waste of time?
making noises at birds through the window. They cant hear you anyway.

FQ2: Who's a public figure you wish would stop wasting everybody's time?
Martha Stewart. The only ones who have enough time to make the things she makes are cats, and we cant use our fingers.

FQ3: What's something you'd like to do more of if you had extra free time?
more naps.

FQ CLOCK:What time is it where you're at right now, and what time zone are you in?
Time to eat again, so I guess I'm in an eating zone.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Pictures Property of Amy Sellers

Friday, January 07, 2005

I guess it is on

Well, I'll be. I got my first comment. Thank you Ms. Jen-O-rama for your kind words. My cheeks are blushing. And may I say, that is a beautiful name.

I just finished my fourth nap of the day. That is one of my favorite naps. Although number three is a close second, it's still a bit early for me. And number five is just as nice as number four. Of course nothing can compare to number six, although sometimes it's interrupted by mom and dad coming home. But number four, ah yes; number four is the first good one of the day. I just start to feel rested at that point and can go about my duties with some gusto.

I found a blasted fairy sitting on the wall in the blue room. She was up pretty darn high and I couldn't get a hold of her. Come to think of it, I don't think I've every actually gotten a hold of any fairy. They're like, slippery or something. You think you got 'em, but you don't. In the hopes of someday being smarter than the fairies, I have begun a journal that records my fairy encounters. Here is an entry from my log today:

"January 7th, 2005 - I grow weary and weak as I continue my search for the little green glittery one. She is by far the smallest of them all. I have seen her on many occasions in several rooms, and she is very sly. She seems to enjoy taunting me so. I think she feels it is a game. But oh, if she only knew what would happen if I ever caught her. She would know my true power. And since there are so many fairies I decided I must start identifying them some how for my journal. So I have begun to assign them names. Although I despise fairies, they are truly an amazing species that have withstood time for centuries. I respect them in this sense, so I try to give them delicate but proud names. This green one I have been calling Gliterbutlyn since she sparkles when she turns. I have not slept in almost 40 minutes, and I don't know how much longer I can go on. My stomach rumbles from lack of food and fear my siblings have devoured my daily rations. But I must continue. I spied Gliterbutlyn by the litter box and I’m on her tail… but alas, she has slipped by my cunning wits once again. Perhaps I will be faster on my toes if I am rested. I will retire to the couch now and try again later."

I think I have grown wise to these fairies and their ways. I know where to look and I know what their patterns are, unlike some of us. Salem for instance, keeps looking in the wrong places. She thinks they're on the floor under the dog's feet. Honestly, I don't know what she's seeing, but they ain't fairies. She gets so frantic about catching them too. She waits for the dog to start walking and just lunges at the floor. I don't have the heart to tell her, but she looks foolish. Fairies couldn't possibly hide under a dog's foot. They hate the smell of Fritos. And everyone knows that dog's feet smell just like Fritos (however, they don't really taste like Fritos). Well, I guess it's better than Widgy who thinks they're in the mirror. She sits there and stares at them all night long, standing on her back feet trying to touch them with her hands. She even talks to them. Does she really think they're going to be nice to her? I can hear them laughing at her and I wonder if she cares.

So I patrolled the house for an hour or two and stopped for a bite to eat. Mom left a big bowl of crunchies out and I got the munchies. Patrolling is hard work and one can really work up an appetite.

There are more than just fairies to watch out for. I mean, that lady who keeps walking around from room to room is almost impossible to identify. I don’t know who she is but I call her the Blue Lady. It’s not that she fast, she’s just constantly moving around; up the stairs, down the stairs, up the stair, down the stairs. One thing is for certain; the Blue Lady won't ever come into the same room with any of us. I don’t think she likes cats or dogs so she is constantly moving to different rooms to where we aren't.

One thing I do know about the Blue Lady is that she likes to play with lights and flatware. The other day she stacked mom’s good China in the middle of the kitchen floor. Oh, you should have seen mom’s face when she saw her good China on the floor. Her face alone was something to behold. I mean, her mouth was just hanging there. I think she may have thought the dogs did it, which would be pretty amazing for those two. I thought I was going to pee myself watching her stare at the boys, wondering how they might have managed that. Anyway, the Blue Lady’s trick was cool and all, but what I found even more amazing was that she could go into the kitchen without opening the door. I wonder if mom and dad even know she's here. I think she comes in through the swirling vortex in the room with that big tub thing.

I've seen the vortex in motion. The power is intense. Water just spins 'round and 'round and gets lower and lower, when suddenly, it exits down a mysterious hole. That must be where the Blue Lady goes when she wants to leave. I've tried to investigate the vortex in the past. It tastes alright, a bit cold actually, but there aren't any markings or obvious symbols to recognize as to where it comes from, or in that case, where it leads to. Anyway, mom and dad seem to not mind the vortex being in the house with us all. They sit on it everyday to keep it warm, so it must not be evil.

I had to punch my sister in the head a minute ago. During this blog entry, I had to excuse myself to use the box. When I came back, Widgy and Salem started laughing and pointing at me, calling me Litter Butt. Real nice. Apparently, I didn’t clean up good enough for them and I may have had some litter stuck to my rear end. Hey, it happens to everyone. But they had to bully me about it, so I clocked Salem. I don’t think she’s talking to me anymore. I also retaliated at Widgy by saying, “At least I don’t walk around with Litter Nose”. Yeah, we’ve all seen it. She eats litter and gets it stuck to the tip of her nose. It’s a nasty habit and she needs help. She denies she does it too, but one can’t hide an addiction if it’s still on your nose, you know? Some eat boogers, some scabs, some even eat each other’s earwax, but litter is a definite no-no. I don’t think Widgy is talking to me either now. It’s going to be a quiet night.

Oh, I am exhausted. I hear the couch calling me, so off I go. I want to get a few good hours in before the dogs start snorting their greetings on my fur.

Until tomorrow my friends,

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Is this thing on?

heYY , LOk wHa t ey Kan doO !

Ha ha! Just kidding. I finally figured out how this blog thing works. I've watched Amy do it so many times; I was bound to catch on. Typing is a bit of a chore so forgive me if I miss a step. And I liked this template. It's the same color as me.

I have spent the whole day today sleeping on the couch. Would have been a good nap too, but every once in awhile Salem comes skipping by and just has to stop and bite my ear. I've tried to nestle under the tablecloth to avoid her, but she always seems to find me. I'm not sure what she wants. I'm not even sure why she can't go play with Widgeon. Well, I suppose it's because Widgeon doesn't care to be bothered.

Widgeon needs a shirt that says "It's all about me". Stuck up.

If my mom would just leave the kitchen door open so the dogs could come out, I would have more to play with. I guess I'm just being bored. The house is quite big with many rooms to find fairies in, but I like those dogs. They're always bouncing around. Ozzy sometimes gets a bit rough; trampling me and knocking me over. Sometimes he even pins me down and drools all over my back. I don't particularly care for that. It's hard to clean that crap off my fur. And sometimes, he sits on me in a weird way. I hope he's not trying to do anything funny, I'm not that way.

So this morning I thought that thingy on the ground looked good enough to eat. But soon after, I coughed it back up. It wasn't as good as it looked.

Perhaps my new year's resolution shall be to not eat everything on the ground I see. I am not a vacuum cleaner after all. Guess I should have learned that after I swallowed that purple plastic mesh thing. It took me about 2 weeks to get all that back up. I thought I would at least find pieces in the litter box, but I guess it only wanted to come up and out... not back and out. Then again, if Jack broke into the kitty litter room again and ate everything up, I may have missed any evidence. He loves to eat our, er, kitty crunchies (there may be little eyes reading this.) Dogs are so disgusting sometimes.

I must say though, I get a good snicker when mom steps in my hairballs first thing in the morning. He he. She's not even awake yet but her first sensation of the day is squished between her toes.

Perhaps if I stop binging on inedible things that don't even taste good, I could loose a couple pounds. I have noticed lately that my figure has taken on a more roundish shape. And the fact that my whiskers have grown longer means I must be getting bigger. So I think I will try to stick with only what mom puts in my bowl. Course if I can get my mitts on one of those yummy dog biscuits, I'll be forced to at least gnaw on a corner.

Well, its nap time again. I've been up for almost 30 minutes so I better hit the couch. I like this bogging thing. Gives me a chance to speak my mind. Mom and dad talk to me like I'm a baby, but I'm very mature for my age. Wish I could tell them that somehow... although I do like the pampering and kisses. Yes, I think I'll keep up a good act. Must secure my status as the baby of the house. After all, I have 4 older siblings to compete with.

Till tomorrow, my friends.

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